*This article may include confabulation
The 2019 “Just of the Sczech of It” Sport Spectacular, much like the previous 36 iterations of the event, ended up being widely considered one of the greatest sporting events in history.
First things first - an explanation of the event. “Just for the Sczech of It” was born from the fact that my birthday is December 25th. Like most people I know who share this birthday, I have become jaded to the whole December 25th holiday. As odd as it may sound, I would love to just have a normal day on my birthday. Unfortunately, that is impossible. Barely any businesses are open and there is nothing on television. So I decided to do what any egomaniacal person would do, I created a race in honor of me.
The “Just for the Sczech of It” is a simple race. It has never been over 400 meters in length, through it does require getting into open water and one year had a bike portion. There are only 2 rules:
Unsportsmanlike conduct is strictly prohibited, unless deemed hilarious
Immediate and Eternal disqualification if you pass me. My race, my birthday, my win!
The 2019 “Just for the Sczech of It” began in earnest on December 20th, the day pre-registration closed. On that day I began creating the official t-shirts with the 2019 event mascot. The 2019 mascot was “Transposed Anthropomorphic Triangles” modeled after Rodin’s “The Thinker” and Rembrandt’s “The Man with the Golden Helmet”.
Transposed Anthropomorphic Triangles
Race day began just as it has for the past three and a half decades. Two and a half hours before the start, I packed up all of the awards and race supplies, and headed over to the race venue (Snook’s Bottom, a man made “lake”), and plotted out the course. It had been a cold few days leading up to the race which caused the ice to be quite thick along the south side of Snook’s Bottom, so I had to reroute the course along the north side where I was able to break through the ice. By the time I finished that and made it back to the parking lot, most of the competitors had arrived. The official “Just for the Sczech of It” race t-shirts were handed out, and It was now time for the Children’s race.
For the Children's race in 2019, each child was given a bovine derived energy drink. There was a countdown, and the first child to finish their drink won. It was a fairly exciting competition this year, with the eventual winner coming back from behind due to a pull tab snafu. Because I am such a nice individual, all the children won a bag of cotton candy to go along with their energy drink.
The race for 2019 began with a beach start, from which each competitor had to put all their bare feet into the water, transition into shoes (if they desire), then complete the run from the east end of Snook’s Bottom along the north shore of the lake, finishing at the dock.
The “Just for the Sczech of It” has a unique start. It is on my movement, rather than a countdown. This year I employed the classic “look over there” technique to start the race. This proved to be incredibly effective, I was first out of the water. Transition was a bit dicey for me, I had to make a quick decision on whether to stand or sit to put my shoes on. I choose stand to save time, risking falling over, but I was successful and held my lead going into the run. Like a cross between Eliud Kipchoge and Usain Bolt, I took to the run and not only maintained, but extended, my lead, taking a record 37th win in a row.
Awe inspiring ;-)
No “Just for the Sczech of It” would be complete without the awards ceremony. The 2019 awards included:
Warmest Hug - A Santa Claus figurine
Best Compliment - Won by me for allowing others to be in my presence during the race
Best Chirp - (A comment to throw someone off their game i.e.”Your life is such a disaster I ran a charity 5k just to raise awareness”). A Penguin figurine
Best Backhanded Compliment - A Bubbe doll
Lantern Rouge - A glowing/spinning UFO plush
I would like to thank everyone who came out to the race and who that registered for the virtual race (your t-shirts are available for pick up in Fruita, or Tampa in January).
As much as it pains me to give someone that is not me credit for an idea related to the “Just for the Sczech of It," thank you goes to Coach Laura for the idea of a virtual race. It was a good idea I wish I thought of first.
Join us next year on December 25th!